Today I was sat on my sofa, right where the sun was streaming in through the window. Beautiful. But sadness came in the form of unhelpful thoughts. I want to take my son out and walk around the village, or even round to my friends houses. I have four that live within a 5 minute stroll. The village shop, also 5 minutes away, is opening again. How lush to go and get an ice cream and sit on the village green, with a tell tale chocolate smile. Or even just to go in to our garden. Christ! I know how to live don't I?
Yes, actually, I believe I do. Living life is best done by appreciating the simple things. Aware of it or not, most of us have a mantra. Mine is 'Take care of the everyday glue.' By this I mean, it's the little things that count, and they soon add up to a big hill of beans. And I could live on those beans. Fortifying, full of goodness and filling, aren't they?
So now I find myself really missing those little things. I want for those little things to be in my everyday. I want to walk around the house holding my boy, and go up and down the stairs with him. I want to share the wonders of where we live with him. And I realise, painfully, what I took for granted before MS. The girls wanting to go to the village shop with 10p after school AGAIN. The youngest being chased by a chicken across the village green, after another 10p shopping spree, and me, laughing too hard to be a helpful rescuer.
So I try not to waste my time, craving what I can't have. I'm lucky, and I know it, but the human condition encourages us to always want more. So here is my battle.
Don't crave what is out of reach versus craving what is out of reach. How do I live with that? How do I live with MS? How do I live with the gaping holes, caused by MS stealing from me?
The everyday glue has a tough job. It's holding me together, even when I feel I'm falling apart. I notice what is missing and I am very much aware of the simple things to be enjoyed. The simple things are what I took for granted. The simple things are what I crave. It's a never ending battle.
And one I can't lose.